Elliott Kalan
Elliott Charles Kalan a.k.a. Dr. Sexenstein, creator of the Sexenstein monster (a gorgeous man, with abs like a Ninja Turtle and no brain, used strictly for carnal pleasure... not Elliott's pleasure, someone else's pleasure... Elliott is just in it for the pure sex science.) His name sounds like "Melliott Ralan". Keeps the show on track, except when he doesn't. Once ate a bag of Doritos in the presence of a future President of the United States of America. Two time Emmy winner for his writing on The Daily Show, hosted by golfer John Daly. Originally from Millburn, New Jersey, Elliott has a twin sister (mentioned on the podcast as being closer to Anne Hathaway when they were in high school and in Episode Eight: I Know Who Killed Me that she was a bigger lush while Elliott was a teetotaler) as well as a brother, David, who knows sports like Elliott knows old movies. :: '' FACTOID '' :: Elliott worked at a Barnes & Noble® which is now a Trader Joe's®! :: (Episode Eighty: The Sorcerer's Apprentice @29:45) Amazingly, Elliott is married to an actual woman. He and this actual woman ('Danielle') have created a baby together and named him Sammy Lincoln Kalan. The choice of the name Lincoln is presumably an homage to the prominent 19th century vampire hunter, who in all honesty is generally recognized as the greatest vampire hunter who ever lived. His son's birth in January 2014 necessitated a brief leave of absence from the podcast, which Dan was legally obligated to grant per the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993. ::"I don't have a child, but when I have a child someday: I could be a rock star astronaut who has a dinosaur that he rides to work, and I assume my son will still find me uncool. That's just what being a dad means." (Episode Twenty-Three: Wild Hogs @17:00) Mouth-sounds singer. Hopes to one day professionally complain about everything like an old man, even when not an old man, on 60 Minutes. Suspected serial killer whose victims include, but are not limited to, Andy Rooney, Simon Fisher, his wife's last lover, and some one who now writes for The New Girl, but previously held his position at The Daily Show. Poster child of Victims of Nerd-on-Nerd Violence (VoNoNV) ::"When I was a kid, Boba Fett was my favorite ''Star Wars character."'' (Episode Thirty: Bangkok Dangerous @26:50) A walking encyclopedia of classic cinema. In fact, he is a Johnny Five-esque robot that was created specifically for classic cinema knowledge. (In this scenario, Dan is Ally Sheedy and Stuart is Fisher Stevens.) Would talk more about history, but Dan won't let him. Has a blue blanket that he takes everywhere for security. Wait, that's Linus from "Peanuts", not Elliott. Oh well. He is approximately half as tall as Sara. When confronted about stories about possible stalkers, turns into The Lorax. He remains, as always, Elliott Kalan... and he will always have one more Emmy than Dan. Claims to be classy, but doesn't think that making Abraham Lincoln a vampire hunter equals fine littertur'. When being replaced as a co-host, doesn't leave a celebrity-sized hole like Stuart does. Per Episode Eighty: The Sorcerer's Apprentice (1:40), Elliott has a delicate palate, and accordingly does not like flavor. "Bland it up, please! That's what I say." He is also known to have a standing policy of categorically avoiding anything containing "cheese sauce." Has a Bigfoot fetish. Catchphrases *Anywho... *R-O-C-K in the U-S-A! *The Original Peaches! *singing* We get letters, we get so we don't get sued Notable Friends *Anne Hathaway Notable Tangents *"The Zardoz Tangent" from Episode 94 - Conan The Barbarian *"The Stallone's Disease / Rocket-Powered Sly Stallone Tangent" from Episode 133 - Bullet to the Head Look-Alikes/Sound-Alikes *Mo Rocca *Winston Zeddemore *Vincent Kartheiser *That retarded guy from The Goonies How He Eats Barbeque *Takes off his shirt in the office. But asks if it's okay first. He doesn't want to be a slob. Things thrown at him by John Hodgman *Shoes Things stolen from him by John Hodgman *Iron Man Action Figures Nicknames *Elliott "Belliott" Kalan (work in progress) See also Kalan Tales Category:Hosts Category:Regular Hosts Category:Daily Show Workers